When I was in college I had pretty much decided that the whole heaven and hell thing was bogus and that more than likely when we died we just died. Sometimes that thought REALLY freaked me out. I am talking panic...tears...sweating...unable to sleep. I would have these sudden panic moments where the uncertainty of death and the thought of a world without me just nearly drove me over an edge. Those moments used to happen fairly often.
They happen only rarely now. Last night I had one. I was getting ready for bed and just suddenly I got really freaked out by the thought of it. I very rationally tried to talk myself out of it. i prayed for God's comfort and truth and I felt a little better about the whole thing. I went to bed and read a little and then decided to pick up my bible. Currently in the mornings I read a little Old Testament and a little New Testament. Yesterday morning I started reading the book of Hebrews. I read Hebrews chapter 1 yesterday morning, so last night as I laid in bed I figured "well, I will just keep moving along into Hebrews Ch 2".
Sometimes we hear God in funny ways. Sometimes it's in a whisper. Sometimes he comes in loud and clear. Here is an excerpt from what I read last night...read in the context of my odd panic moment. The HE reference in this verse is Jesus
"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death - that is, the devil - and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death." Hebrews 2:14-15.
It floored me. To hear God speak to me through His word so specifically. It was a huge comfort and joy to me and I have been thinking about it all day. To know that I am set free from fear by Christ. I really really really needed to hear that...for a lot of different reasons.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
the old man
remember a few posts ago when I told the story about the old guy in the center of town almost getting beat up by the teenagers? if not just back up a few posts and read it. well anyway i failed to mention/realize that he wasn't just sitting on the ground. he actually doesn't have legs. i think his legs stop right below the knee. also he is fairly well known in town. he is mentally unstable, he has no legs, he sometimes pushes himself around town on a homemade cart of sorts, and is old, he has no home.
why tell you this? well here is the thing...as i mentioned my friends Paige and Stani and I saw him the other day. he was on the verge of being beaten up by 2 able bodied teenagers. he was sitting outside alone in the cold shouting at nothing. a few days later Paige and I say him again. Pushing himself around the streets in his homemade "cart" and shouting at nothing. Then yesterday, Easter Sunday, Paige saw him again dragging himself around town on his stumps. There is a man, who "lives" in my neighborhood who has no legs, no money, no home, no one to care for him, no hope. And as we sat in our church service yesterday and then enjoyed a lovely meal together with friends this man probably sat on his stumps somewhere in town and shouted at nothing.
since it's been Easter week I have been thinking a lot about Jesus. and I know that there was something extremely attractive to him about unattractive people. I know the bible talks more about the poor, and widowed, and marginalized than about most stuff. I know a life following Christ is a life of love and a call to treat others and respond to others the way Jesus would (which a lot of times means getting crapped on and degraded by the world). and I wonder what would Jesus do about this man living in my neighborhood. I know that Jesus didn't respond to every need around him. The bible doesn't tell us "and Jesus opened a clinic and cured all the diseases. then he opened a bank and supplied free money for every poor person in the world. The End". in the last week I have spent countless hours sending emails, creating task lists, talking about future ministry plans, discussing the strategy purpose and meaning our church and it's leaders, had conversations about the fact that we seem to be missing the point on a lot of things, the best way to "do ministry", effective, relevant ministry, etc. AND A MAN WITH NO LEGS DRAGS HIMSELF AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD ON STUMPS
I am re-reading a book that i find more and more incredible every day. I think i will probably read this book constantly for the rest of my life because i find the truths in it so powerful and they point me back towards the true center. It's called The Signature of Jesus and it's by a guy named Brennan Manning. On every page I read something and think "oh, that's a good one...I am gonna post that on my blog" but i think I would write the whole book here and get sued for copyright infringement or something. anyway, as i think about this man I read this section...
"So central is Jesus' teaching on humble apprenticeshop and SERVING LOVE as the essesnce of disipleship, that
Christ makes himself recognizable only in our brothers and sisters: 'Whatever you did for one of the least of these
brothers of mine, you did for me' (Matthew 25:40). In this context the words of Mother Teresa are impressive. At
the dedication of a hospice for the terminally ill in New York City, she said 'Each AIDS victim is Jesus in a
distressing disguise'" p. 96
Part of me is very afraid of this man. He's not mentally stable, and for the sake of safety I am probably not going to have him camp out on my couch. But if he is Jesus in a very distressing disguise...there has to be something reasonable I can do to serve him. I am thinking of what that means and how i can carry it out. In love. In faith. And in the knowlege that Jesus sees us all equally and his love for us has nothing to do with how well we clean up. It has everything to do with him.
why tell you this? well here is the thing...as i mentioned my friends Paige and Stani and I saw him the other day. he was on the verge of being beaten up by 2 able bodied teenagers. he was sitting outside alone in the cold shouting at nothing. a few days later Paige and I say him again. Pushing himself around the streets in his homemade "cart" and shouting at nothing. Then yesterday, Easter Sunday, Paige saw him again dragging himself around town on his stumps. There is a man, who "lives" in my neighborhood who has no legs, no money, no home, no one to care for him, no hope. And as we sat in our church service yesterday and then enjoyed a lovely meal together with friends this man probably sat on his stumps somewhere in town and shouted at nothing.
since it's been Easter week I have been thinking a lot about Jesus. and I know that there was something extremely attractive to him about unattractive people. I know the bible talks more about the poor, and widowed, and marginalized than about most stuff. I know a life following Christ is a life of love and a call to treat others and respond to others the way Jesus would (which a lot of times means getting crapped on and degraded by the world). and I wonder what would Jesus do about this man living in my neighborhood. I know that Jesus didn't respond to every need around him. The bible doesn't tell us "and Jesus opened a clinic and cured all the diseases. then he opened a bank and supplied free money for every poor person in the world. The End". in the last week I have spent countless hours sending emails, creating task lists, talking about future ministry plans, discussing the strategy purpose and meaning our church and it's leaders, had conversations about the fact that we seem to be missing the point on a lot of things, the best way to "do ministry", effective, relevant ministry, etc. AND A MAN WITH NO LEGS DRAGS HIMSELF AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD ON STUMPS
I am re-reading a book that i find more and more incredible every day. I think i will probably read this book constantly for the rest of my life because i find the truths in it so powerful and they point me back towards the true center. It's called The Signature of Jesus and it's by a guy named Brennan Manning. On every page I read something and think "oh, that's a good one...I am gonna post that on my blog" but i think I would write the whole book here and get sued for copyright infringement or something. anyway, as i think about this man I read this section...
"So central is Jesus' teaching on humble apprenticeshop and SERVING LOVE as the essesnce of disipleship, that
Christ makes himself recognizable only in our brothers and sisters: 'Whatever you did for one of the least of these
brothers of mine, you did for me' (Matthew 25:40). In this context the words of Mother Teresa are impressive. At
the dedication of a hospice for the terminally ill in New York City, she said 'Each AIDS victim is Jesus in a
distressing disguise'" p. 96
Part of me is very afraid of this man. He's not mentally stable, and for the sake of safety I am probably not going to have him camp out on my couch. But if he is Jesus in a very distressing disguise...there has to be something reasonable I can do to serve him. I am thinking of what that means and how i can carry it out. In love. In faith. And in the knowlege that Jesus sees us all equally and his love for us has nothing to do with how well we clean up. It has everything to do with him.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
crazy
I am not sure why I am even posting this story. other than it was interesting to me and it's on my mind as i sit here thinking of going to bed. First of all it's freezing cold again today...and when I say freezing I mean it's actually below 32 degrees. Anyway, I went to dinner with some friends tonight and as we were leaving and walking towards the center of town we hear all this racket. looking to the right there is a guy sitting on the ground...in the middle of the center of town very loudly "singing" and very loudly "playing" a guitar. I say "singing" and "playing" because he was more accurately just pounding on the guitar with his fists and shouting. He was older and obviously not quite all there and probably drunk or mentally hanicapped or something. But the crazy thing was there were these 2 younger guys there and they were in some sort of loud discussion with him. Then it escalated as we stood there and the old man stayed sitting on the ground while one of the younger guys tried to kick him. then the old guy pulls this cane out and starts hitting the younger guy. there was a small scuffle and some yelling and hitting and then it seemed like the younger guy finally came to his senses and realized he was attempting to beat up a homeless/handicapped/elderly man and that it was a pretty ridiculous thing to do. then it was over. and the old man continued shouting his song and pounding on that guitar.
again I am not sure why i tell this story. but you know when sometimes you see strange things and you think about them for a while? so that was a little about my day. other than that I spent seriously the whole day in a meeting. the whole day.
yesterday was a "red tape" when it rains it pours kind of day. I got a notice about a bill for my internet that hasn't been paid yet (because I don't have a key to the mailbox in my building so I never got the 1st bill). I got a notice that a package was sent to me from the states but it's in cutoms prison and i have to go to the post office and pay them to give me my mail. I found out I have been paying my rent incorrectly and I am behind 2 months in payments. And the documentation I need for my Slovak VISA is some sort of mystery paperwork that no one knows anything about. I mean all of that was in one day! So tomorrow i will be paying some bills before they kick me outta here and cut off my internet!
signing off for the day...more to come
again I am not sure why i tell this story. but you know when sometimes you see strange things and you think about them for a while? so that was a little about my day. other than that I spent seriously the whole day in a meeting. the whole day.
yesterday was a "red tape" when it rains it pours kind of day. I got a notice about a bill for my internet that hasn't been paid yet (because I don't have a key to the mailbox in my building so I never got the 1st bill). I got a notice that a package was sent to me from the states but it's in cutoms prison and i have to go to the post office and pay them to give me my mail. I found out I have been paying my rent incorrectly and I am behind 2 months in payments. And the documentation I need for my Slovak VISA is some sort of mystery paperwork that no one knows anything about. I mean all of that was in one day! So tomorrow i will be paying some bills before they kick me outta here and cut off my internet!
signing off for the day...more to come
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
belated posting
I was doing so well and posting so regularly (thanks to my blogger widget) then I went to Croatia and lost momentum. Sorry about that. So to get you up to speed the women's conference was GREAT. not so much because we had some great speaker or some great program, but because it became a place where i really communicated with God in a way that I have needed for a long time. I am so thankful for it and left that place feeling changed...different...renewed...in an indescribable way. It's too much to go into here but if you are interested in more detail on it feel free to ask. I am thankful for this time in part because I KNOW that if my mind and heart hadn't been directed back towards Christ I would not be surviving the world in which I am living. And at the same time, coming off this "mountain top" experience I find myself still getting overwhelmed by circumstances, or chosing to put other things in front of God, or believing lies about who I am or who God is. I guess that is part of being human...but it doesn't mean i have to like it.
our team and ministries are facing some challenged right now and we are all just looking for the right direction to be shown to us. It's this strange place of being really forced to rely on God. which is tough and counter-intuitive and frustrating. but it's also amazing to time and time again hear God telling us all "I am bigger than this. i will take care of you. I love you and I am with you." So we all hang on to that in our own ways.
I am working a good bit and traveling too. We have a lot to think about in regards to camp this summer and with all the transitions some decisions are harder to make than others. trying to make good decisions and see how God wants to use it in my life and in others.
Some interesting life events as of late...
the snow is all melted...thanks to 2 weeks of near constant rain. still looking forward to Spring...whenever it decides to show up
apparently central Europe "springs forward" a week ahead of the US. who knew? certainly not me as I spent a whole Sunday really confused.
In the last 3 weeks I have spent time in 5 different countries. How cool is that?
I think I am going to have to learn how to drive a stick shift. And I am nervous. If anyone wants to buy me an automatic over here feel free.
I still don't speak Slovak. Mainly because it's hard as crap and I don't spend near enough time studying. :(
I am obsessed with the TV show Lost. We download it and watch it as a group every Sunday night. We aren't caught up with the states yet but we are close.
Ok...that's about all i have for now. feel free to comment, write, pray, call, send peanut butter and starbucks coffee, what ever strikes your fancy.
more soon...
our team and ministries are facing some challenged right now and we are all just looking for the right direction to be shown to us. It's this strange place of being really forced to rely on God. which is tough and counter-intuitive and frustrating. but it's also amazing to time and time again hear God telling us all "I am bigger than this. i will take care of you. I love you and I am with you." So we all hang on to that in our own ways.
I am working a good bit and traveling too. We have a lot to think about in regards to camp this summer and with all the transitions some decisions are harder to make than others. trying to make good decisions and see how God wants to use it in my life and in others.
Some interesting life events as of late...
the snow is all melted...thanks to 2 weeks of near constant rain. still looking forward to Spring...whenever it decides to show up
apparently central Europe "springs forward" a week ahead of the US. who knew? certainly not me as I spent a whole Sunday really confused.
In the last 3 weeks I have spent time in 5 different countries. How cool is that?
I think I am going to have to learn how to drive a stick shift. And I am nervous. If anyone wants to buy me an automatic over here feel free.
I still don't speak Slovak. Mainly because it's hard as crap and I don't spend near enough time studying. :(
I am obsessed with the TV show Lost. We download it and watch it as a group every Sunday night. We aren't caught up with the states yet but we are close.
Ok...that's about all i have for now. feel free to comment, write, pray, call, send peanut butter and starbucks coffee, what ever strikes your fancy.
more soon...
Team #1
Our team was number one!!! We were playing a super fun game at this conference and initially our team wasn't doing so great. But we managed to go from last to 2nd and we were pretty proud of that. I wish I wasn't making such a weird face here but the rest of the picture makes me laugh a lot. Such great women...I continue to be honored to be counted among them.
yeah...we're kissin at you
Just wanted to post some recent photos...so you don't forget what I look like. the story behind this one is that we were at a Women's Retreat. Someone sent make up and this poor tube of Mary Kay lipstick was being ignored. We decided to put it to good use. Are you scaredof us? Cause I kinda am.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
No More Underwear
It was the catchy headline wasn't it...
I guess I should say NO MORE LONG UNDERWEAR!!!! I left the house today (for the 1st time since November) with just jeans on...I didn't have to wear all my layers today!
Rejoice with me people! It's going to be above freezing all week! Sunshine! Warm Weather! Rejoice!
My walk to work today was GLORIOUS! The sun...the warmth...i heard birds...it was super great. I love Spring. I can't wait for it to really be here.
Hooray!
I guess I should say NO MORE LONG UNDERWEAR!!!! I left the house today (for the 1st time since November) with just jeans on...I didn't have to wear all my layers today!
Rejoice with me people! It's going to be above freezing all week! Sunshine! Warm Weather! Rejoice!
My walk to work today was GLORIOUS! The sun...the warmth...i heard birds...it was super great. I love Spring. I can't wait for it to really be here.
Hooray!
Monday, March 13, 2006
This week
Hey there all you fans...wanted to let you know I would be gone for the whole week and probably would not be posting while I am away. I am going to a conference in Croatia and looking forward to some solitude and some good time with God. Praying about some specific things and being taught some specific things lately. Look forward to tell y'all about it next week. Have a good one :)
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Music that rocks my face off
Most of you know that I am a huge, obsessive, music lover. I really just love hearing new stuff and being exposed to bands that maybe aren't mainstream but are doing cool things and have interesting things to say. Thought I would do a little post about some stuff I am listening to currently that you may want to check out. I will list a band and a few songs that I think are tops pics from the CD. check them out...you might like them. Most of them aren't traditionally "Christian" but that doesn't make them any less amazing. Enjoy.
Iron and Wine (pretty mellow and "folky")
-Naked as we came
-Such Great Heights
-Woman King
Sufjan Stevens (a little eclectic and quirky...but beautiful songs and really interesting instrumentation)
-Chicago
-Casimir Pulaski Day
-7 Swans
Hem (hard to describe...)
-The present
-The Beaufiul Sea
Imogen Heap (electronic "ish"...she is the lead singer for Frou Frou if you are familar. Had music on the Narnia soundtrack)
-Clear the Area
-Hide and Seek
-The Moment I said it
The Weepies
-This whole CD is INSANELY GOOD. It's my favorite of any of the new stuff I am listening to
Jenny Lewis (kind of a edgy, darker Allison Krause sound. It's almost country but with deep lyrics and cooler sounds)
-Rise up with Fists!
Jose Gonzalez (super mellow guitar and vocal)
-Heartbeats
-Love Stain
The Perishers (just good jangly guitar rock)
-Sway
-Still here
Rosie Thomas (incredible vocals...mellow...good for rainy days)
-Pretty Dress
-Death came and got me
-I play music
PS-I have to give my friend Dan Portnoy credit for introducing me to most of this music. He's the reason I am going broke buying music :)
Iron and Wine (pretty mellow and "folky")
-Naked as we came
-Such Great Heights
-Woman King
Sufjan Stevens (a little eclectic and quirky...but beautiful songs and really interesting instrumentation)
-Chicago
-Casimir Pulaski Day
-7 Swans
Hem (hard to describe...)
-The present
-The Beaufiul Sea
Imogen Heap (electronic "ish"...she is the lead singer for Frou Frou if you are familar. Had music on the Narnia soundtrack)
-Clear the Area
-Hide and Seek
-The Moment I said it
The Weepies
-This whole CD is INSANELY GOOD. It's my favorite of any of the new stuff I am listening to
Jenny Lewis (kind of a edgy, darker Allison Krause sound. It's almost country but with deep lyrics and cooler sounds)
-Rise up with Fists!
Jose Gonzalez (super mellow guitar and vocal)
-Heartbeats
-Love Stain
The Perishers (just good jangly guitar rock)
-Sway
-Still here
Rosie Thomas (incredible vocals...mellow...good for rainy days)
-Pretty Dress
-Death came and got me
-I play music
PS-I have to give my friend Dan Portnoy credit for introducing me to most of this music. He's the reason I am going broke buying music :)
Thursday in SK
It snowed here all day. Every day when I walk outside I think..."surely Spring will be here soon" but alas another day of snow makes the impending hope of Spring still seem far away. Not that the snow isn't beautiful...it is. Not that I am not thankful to live in a country with 4 really distinct, really beautiful seasons...I am. But I'm gonna be needing some sunshine soon. Some warmer temps. To wear something a bit less than 37 layers of underwear. I am so excited for sping and in a way it's really cool to have it come later and to really be excited and amazed to watch it slowly happen. In atlanta we have about 3 days of spring where everything turns yellow from the pollen. This is followed by 4 months of bursting
into flames as soon as you walk out of your front door.
I actually didn't even leave the house today...the beautiful of being able to work from home when need be. I had no intention of staying inside all day. I mean I showered, put on real clothes...even a little makeup. I just never managed to walk out the door.
I am working on a large update letter to send out (I try to do that monthly) but find myself with writers block (or perhaps it's sheer laziness).
I have meetings most of the day tomorrow. Our team is still trying to put together the most effective way to train youth leaders in SLovakia on how to create and execute a summer English camp. We have some tough questions to answer and some difficult issues to think through. If you are reading this...and you are one of the ones who prays for us here I would love to ask you to keep us in your minds. OUr church here in Zilina as well as our training ministry. Please pray that we would be focused on what God is doing and how he wants to use us. thanks for that...really.
into flames as soon as you walk out of your front door.
I actually didn't even leave the house today...the beautiful of being able to work from home when need be. I had no intention of staying inside all day. I mean I showered, put on real clothes...even a little makeup. I just never managed to walk out the door.
I am working on a large update letter to send out (I try to do that monthly) but find myself with writers block (or perhaps it's sheer laziness).
I have meetings most of the day tomorrow. Our team is still trying to put together the most effective way to train youth leaders in SLovakia on how to create and execute a summer English camp. We have some tough questions to answer and some difficult issues to think through. If you are reading this...and you are one of the ones who prays for us here I would love to ask you to keep us in your minds. OUr church here in Zilina as well as our training ministry. Please pray that we would be focused on what God is doing and how he wants to use us. thanks for that...really.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
unrequited
There are times where I am pretty darn excited to post on this thing. If I feel like I have something funny or insightful or helpful to share and I wonder/hope that I may have entertained or spoken to someone or something like that. Some people have a "counter" on their blog...and some even have systems that tell them who logged on to their blog, who is reading it, what country they are in, and other important info. I don't have one of those...so I honestly have no idea if there are 5 people or 500 people cruising past this thing.
But I want to extend the invitation to post comments. Or even just shoot me an email if you have a comment and are reluctant to lose anonymity. It's great to hear from people...even those who may disagree. And if you read this and like it or feel like you have something to add I would be glad to hear it. Or even if we haven't talked in a while and you want to say hi...that's ok too.
otherwise I will be forced to add a counter to this thing and track my fan base which I am sure will be a huge encouragement.
PS-I am going to have to ask if anyone is ok with Handkerchiefs anymore. This is a country of runny noses and "sniffing" is a cultural no no so people are constantly blowing their noses. And I see countless people honk some nastiness into a piece of cloth and then wad it up and shove it back into their pants. HELLO! GROSS! Why is that ok??? Just thought I'd mention it.
But I want to extend the invitation to post comments. Or even just shoot me an email if you have a comment and are reluctant to lose anonymity. It's great to hear from people...even those who may disagree. And if you read this and like it or feel like you have something to add I would be glad to hear it. Or even if we haven't talked in a while and you want to say hi...that's ok too.
otherwise I will be forced to add a counter to this thing and track my fan base which I am sure will be a huge encouragement.
PS-I am going to have to ask if anyone is ok with Handkerchiefs anymore. This is a country of runny noses and "sniffing" is a cultural no no so people are constantly blowing their noses. And I see countless people honk some nastiness into a piece of cloth and then wad it up and shove it back into their pants. HELLO! GROSS! Why is that ok??? Just thought I'd mention it.
Monday, March 06, 2006
the point
Over the last few days I have found myself thinking, "What's the point?"...now hear my tone in that. it's not a defeated fatalistic kind of thing but rather a "seriously God...I want to know what the point is, and to make sure I don't miss it." And I realize I have posted similar thoughts to what I really feel I need to post here but this morning it overtook me in a way that doesn't happen very often. Most of us are dealing with this question regardless of our belief system, or if we work in ministry full time, or if we sit in an office all day marketing widgets. But seriously...ask yourself what is the point. Life, work, relationships, faith, love, all of it.
The disciples and even Paul once they realized that jesus was the messiah and that their lives, purposes, beliefs, futures were forever changed went out and talked about the Jesus they knew. They went to various communities (some of them stayed close to home and some of them traveled to the ends of the earth) and they said, "Hey! You guys...here in Corinth or Ephesus, or Jerusalem, or wherever. Here is how you maximize the person you were created as. Here is how you bring purpose to your life. Here is the point of this whole thing. It's Christ. End of story. The point is that Christ is #1 in all circumstances and in him you live free and forgiven and eternally. Now do it. Put him first in your life and watch the change that takes place. Live free, forgiven, powerful radical lives and you will change the world". They didn't tell them the types of programs to start or how to mobilize people or what ministries to promote or what desk jobs they should and shouldn't have. That wasn't the point. it was that Christ is LIFE CHANGING. Meeting Christ and really "getting it" knocks you off your horse, blinds you and realigns your path in RADICAL ways.
The point is that in living a life so radically changed and dramatically different that the people in your circle/community (wherever that may be) can't help but notice...and that the only answer you could give them would be Jesus. I feel like I (and you may agree in your life) am substituting good deeds and programs and plans for this radically changed life. The radicalness (i know that isn't a word but you get it) of our lives isn't so much a "go crazy! throw yourself off a cliff. stand on the street corners and rant and rave. move to zimbabwe and "convert" the natives". The radicalness is that you are so monstrously loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving, holy, Christ-honoring, righteous, humble (and so many other things that are pure human nature is INCAPABLE of without Christ doing it for us) that we would blow people's minds with it. That our lives would be so counter-cultural (in a character way...not a wow, that guy is a crazy religious freak way) that people would stop and say "how in the world could someone really be like that".
I am not living a life of radically changed heart, character, desire...so instead I substitute and believe that doing enough good things, or "christian" things will make up for it. But I can do the most amazing "christian" stuff in the world and if my life doesn't reflect Christ then it's WORTHLESS. I have not been knocked off my horse, blinded, and refocused on the singular goal of bringing glory to my God. And I know this, so I try to make up for it in other ways. People look at WHAT I DO and think it's great or that I must love God or have faith, but I would so much rather people look at WHO I AM and think those things.
I want my heart and character to be transformed by Christ into the image of Christ so that if I am in Slovakia, or Africa, or in a cube pushing papers around, or sitting at the dinner table with my parents that something about me is OBVIOUS and BEAUTIFUL in the same way that Jesus was. And that when people ask "why" I am the way I am, my answer is sincere and it points in the only direction that matters.
The disciples and even Paul once they realized that jesus was the messiah and that their lives, purposes, beliefs, futures were forever changed went out and talked about the Jesus they knew. They went to various communities (some of them stayed close to home and some of them traveled to the ends of the earth) and they said, "Hey! You guys...here in Corinth or Ephesus, or Jerusalem, or wherever. Here is how you maximize the person you were created as. Here is how you bring purpose to your life. Here is the point of this whole thing. It's Christ. End of story. The point is that Christ is #1 in all circumstances and in him you live free and forgiven and eternally. Now do it. Put him first in your life and watch the change that takes place. Live free, forgiven, powerful radical lives and you will change the world". They didn't tell them the types of programs to start or how to mobilize people or what ministries to promote or what desk jobs they should and shouldn't have. That wasn't the point. it was that Christ is LIFE CHANGING. Meeting Christ and really "getting it" knocks you off your horse, blinds you and realigns your path in RADICAL ways.
The point is that in living a life so radically changed and dramatically different that the people in your circle/community (wherever that may be) can't help but notice...and that the only answer you could give them would be Jesus. I feel like I (and you may agree in your life) am substituting good deeds and programs and plans for this radically changed life. The radicalness (i know that isn't a word but you get it) of our lives isn't so much a "go crazy! throw yourself off a cliff. stand on the street corners and rant and rave. move to zimbabwe and "convert" the natives". The radicalness is that you are so monstrously loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving, holy, Christ-honoring, righteous, humble (and so many other things that are pure human nature is INCAPABLE of without Christ doing it for us) that we would blow people's minds with it. That our lives would be so counter-cultural (in a character way...not a wow, that guy is a crazy religious freak way) that people would stop and say "how in the world could someone really be like that".
I am not living a life of radically changed heart, character, desire...so instead I substitute and believe that doing enough good things, or "christian" things will make up for it. But I can do the most amazing "christian" stuff in the world and if my life doesn't reflect Christ then it's WORTHLESS. I have not been knocked off my horse, blinded, and refocused on the singular goal of bringing glory to my God. And I know this, so I try to make up for it in other ways. People look at WHAT I DO and think it's great or that I must love God or have faith, but I would so much rather people look at WHO I AM and think those things.
I want my heart and character to be transformed by Christ into the image of Christ so that if I am in Slovakia, or Africa, or in a cube pushing papers around, or sitting at the dinner table with my parents that something about me is OBVIOUS and BEAUTIFUL in the same way that Jesus was. And that when people ask "why" I am the way I am, my answer is sincere and it points in the only direction that matters.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
staring out the window
a couple of things...
first of all since I announced the directive to blog about something funny i feel like I am going to let you down. as much as I have been trying to come up with something funny...I am drawing a blank. Not that my life is so mediocre or depressing that there is nothing lighthearted in my world. but as for laugh out loud "that would make a great story" I am at a loss. And as most of you know, when you go looking for something it becomes all elusive and we can't find what we are looking for. or maybe it's just me. so...if you are looking for a laugh out loud moment with me here I am sorry! maybe next time
secondly I find myself staring out the window a lot. the kitchen window which looks out at another grey aparment building or the living room window which looks out at my street. I just stare. sometimes I think or pray or blank out or whatever. for a few weeks there was an old woman (it actually took me a few days to figure out it was a woman) who would come outside super early in the morning with a snow shovel and some sort of metal ice chopping hoe/shovel deal. she would be outside for several hours chopping at the ice on the sidewalk in front of her building. Clank, Clank,Clank...trying to work through the 4 inch thick layer of ice that is on all the sidewalks. So she'd spend hours doing this. And have to do it again the next day.
I watch the snow. I watch the people falling down because the sidewalks are covered in ice. I watch the people who think no one sees them let their dog poop on the sidewalk. But mostly I am just looking at nothing. I suppose I could have some philosophical take on this, or use it as some sort of spiritual metaphor. but honestly I just wanted to tell you about staring out the window.
I am sure you are hoping my next post will be about watching paint dry...and it might be but probably not.
first of all since I announced the directive to blog about something funny i feel like I am going to let you down. as much as I have been trying to come up with something funny...I am drawing a blank. Not that my life is so mediocre or depressing that there is nothing lighthearted in my world. but as for laugh out loud "that would make a great story" I am at a loss. And as most of you know, when you go looking for something it becomes all elusive and we can't find what we are looking for. or maybe it's just me. so...if you are looking for a laugh out loud moment with me here I am sorry! maybe next time
secondly I find myself staring out the window a lot. the kitchen window which looks out at another grey aparment building or the living room window which looks out at my street. I just stare. sometimes I think or pray or blank out or whatever. for a few weeks there was an old woman (it actually took me a few days to figure out it was a woman) who would come outside super early in the morning with a snow shovel and some sort of metal ice chopping hoe/shovel deal. she would be outside for several hours chopping at the ice on the sidewalk in front of her building. Clank, Clank,Clank...trying to work through the 4 inch thick layer of ice that is on all the sidewalks. So she'd spend hours doing this. And have to do it again the next day.
I watch the snow. I watch the people falling down because the sidewalks are covered in ice. I watch the people who think no one sees them let their dog poop on the sidewalk. But mostly I am just looking at nothing. I suppose I could have some philosophical take on this, or use it as some sort of spiritual metaphor. but honestly I just wanted to tell you about staring out the window.
I am sure you are hoping my next post will be about watching paint dry...and it might be but probably not.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Life in SK
It's still cold here. I am really looking forward to warmer temperatures and sunny skies. with tomorrow being the 1st day of March I expect we will have warmer weather soon.
As for me...I have been trying to work and work and work. My new job responsibilites are still exciting but with each meeting I realize how much I have to do, how little I know, and how many things are still undefined. I want to do this job well. i don't want to fail or be uncertain or let people down so I keep praying for God to guide the process and show me what to do next. We are planning camps for the current year and we are also developing a new process and strategy for future camps. There are still many unanswered questions and many decisions to make about the best options and next steps for us.
On a personal note...I am trying to think of something entertaining or clever or some story and I am totally drawing a blank. That will be my goal for the week though...a funny story or embarassing international incident.
We have been watching the olympics a lot here. Slovakia won it's first winter olympic medal this year which was great. They got a silver medal in Snowboarding. We had to endure Slovakia losing to Czech Republic in hockey...it's kind of like Florida and Tennessee a few years ago...no matter how good Tennessee was Florida always psyched them out.
On my way now to track down a little lunch and then will be back to work.
As for me...I have been trying to work and work and work. My new job responsibilites are still exciting but with each meeting I realize how much I have to do, how little I know, and how many things are still undefined. I want to do this job well. i don't want to fail or be uncertain or let people down so I keep praying for God to guide the process and show me what to do next. We are planning camps for the current year and we are also developing a new process and strategy for future camps. There are still many unanswered questions and many decisions to make about the best options and next steps for us.
On a personal note...I am trying to think of something entertaining or clever or some story and I am totally drawing a blank. That will be my goal for the week though...a funny story or embarassing international incident.
We have been watching the olympics a lot here. Slovakia won it's first winter olympic medal this year which was great. They got a silver medal in Snowboarding. We had to endure Slovakia losing to Czech Republic in hockey...it's kind of like Florida and Tennessee a few years ago...no matter how good Tennessee was Florida always psyched them out.
On my way now to track down a little lunch and then will be back to work.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Anniversary to Me!
Today is my one year anniversary in Slovakia. I cannot believe it's been a year. I want to take some time this week and get away to think about what the last year has taught me. To think about the things that are different and the things that are the same. I may be surprised at both. I can tell you I don't regret being here for one moment. Never, at any point in the last 365 days have I thought that being in Slovakia was a bad decision. Well, actually there was my 1st night in my new apartment all by myself that I had a bit of a meltdown...but other than that one night there have been no regrets. I think back to how utterly terrified I was to leave my familiar world. Looking back it seems a little silly now that i was that apprehensive but it's good for me to remember that fear. It helps me remember how sovereign God is, and how He keeps his promises, and how he provides for our needs (even when we aren't sure what we need). I am going to include at the bottom here a journal entry from February 2005...I re-read it this morning and smiled at myself. I kinda wished I could go back in time to tell myself..."chill out. it's really going to be ok". But that's part of the trust thing with God. And now when God urges me to do something that is scary or out of my comfort zone that requires me to just trust my God...I have an unbelievable example of a time when I trusted in Him and He blew my mind. Enjoy the below post...remember it's from a year ago!
February 9, 2005
4 days…there is such this fluctuation of wanting to leave and wanting to
stay. Mostly it is wanting to stay but it feels a lot like the day I
started college at Furman and I bawled in the back of my dads Buick for an
hour. I don’t like leaving…healthy or unhealthy…better for me or not better
for me…God’s will or not God’s will staying put seems safer and
controllable. My friend Sarah compared it to a roller coaster the other
night and as I thought about that analogy it made more and more sense.
You pay your money, you want to get on, you know it’s going to be a thrill,
people tell you how unforgettable and amazing it will be, and as your turn
approaches your stomach drops lower and lower. You have thoughts like
“maybe I could duck out of line now”, or “am I really sure I want to do
this”. But you stay in line. You are going to be on the next train and
your heart is now in your throat. You try to make light of it…joke a
bit…look around at how unafraid and excited everyone else is and think “I
can do this. People do this sort of thing all the time. Don’t be
ridiculous about it”. So you get in the silly little car. You strap in.
And you think, “what in the world am I doing. This may be a bad idea” But
you certainly can’t hop off now and you tell yourself to calm down. The
train starts…click, click, click, click up an incline you can’t see over the
edge of. You find yourself higher and higher in the air, at a more
ridiculous angle than you anticipated. Sweaty palmed you hang on for dear
life, pray for it to end soon, and think about faking a seizure or something
just so they’ll let you off. Click, click, click…how high are we going to
go anyway? Hang on…tell yourself everything is going to be ok and swear to
God you’ll never ride another one of these %$#@ things again.
That is where I am right now. I am click, click, clicking my way to the top
of a very scary, very unfamiliar roller coaster. I have no idea what is
going to happen when I plunge over that edge in 4 days. There are some
major differences though between the roller coaster experience above and the
situation in which I now find myself. The main difference being that I can
be completely confident in the designer, creator, owner, and operator of my
particular ride. Instead of a terrifying “carnie” who hasn’t seen a
toothbrush in weeks, the operator of all these switches and levers is
totally trustworthy, loves me beyond measure and has promised me that he has
my best interests at heart (For I know the plans I have for you, plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11).
I may have no idea where this ride will go, but my God, who designed it,
built it, runs it, and strapped me securely into my seat knows perfectly.
Because He is good and trustworthy I have nothing to fear…and because my
desire is that the purpose of my life will be to make His name Famous I will
stay on this crazy train.
February 9, 2005
4 days…there is such this fluctuation of wanting to leave and wanting to
stay. Mostly it is wanting to stay but it feels a lot like the day I
started college at Furman and I bawled in the back of my dads Buick for an
hour. I don’t like leaving…healthy or unhealthy…better for me or not better
for me…God’s will or not God’s will staying put seems safer and
controllable. My friend Sarah compared it to a roller coaster the other
night and as I thought about that analogy it made more and more sense.
You pay your money, you want to get on, you know it’s going to be a thrill,
people tell you how unforgettable and amazing it will be, and as your turn
approaches your stomach drops lower and lower. You have thoughts like
“maybe I could duck out of line now”, or “am I really sure I want to do
this”. But you stay in line. You are going to be on the next train and
your heart is now in your throat. You try to make light of it…joke a
bit…look around at how unafraid and excited everyone else is and think “I
can do this. People do this sort of thing all the time. Don’t be
ridiculous about it”. So you get in the silly little car. You strap in.
And you think, “what in the world am I doing. This may be a bad idea” But
you certainly can’t hop off now and you tell yourself to calm down. The
train starts…click, click, click, click up an incline you can’t see over the
edge of. You find yourself higher and higher in the air, at a more
ridiculous angle than you anticipated. Sweaty palmed you hang on for dear
life, pray for it to end soon, and think about faking a seizure or something
just so they’ll let you off. Click, click, click…how high are we going to
go anyway? Hang on…tell yourself everything is going to be ok and swear to
God you’ll never ride another one of these %$#@ things again.
That is where I am right now. I am click, click, clicking my way to the top
of a very scary, very unfamiliar roller coaster. I have no idea what is
going to happen when I plunge over that edge in 4 days. There are some
major differences though between the roller coaster experience above and the
situation in which I now find myself. The main difference being that I can
be completely confident in the designer, creator, owner, and operator of my
particular ride. Instead of a terrifying “carnie” who hasn’t seen a
toothbrush in weeks, the operator of all these switches and levers is
totally trustworthy, loves me beyond measure and has promised me that he has
my best interests at heart (For I know the plans I have for you, plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11).
I may have no idea where this ride will go, but my God, who designed it,
built it, runs it, and strapped me securely into my seat knows perfectly.
Because He is good and trustworthy I have nothing to fear…and because my
desire is that the purpose of my life will be to make His name Famous I will
stay on this crazy train.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
it's freaking freezing here
I just gotta tell y'all. It's freaking freezing here! I am talking when I walked home last night it was 1 degree out. 1 degree!!! C'mon people that's cold.
Pretty low key around here these days. Just been working and trying to get my apartment increasingly livable. I keep reminding myself that each day that passes I am one day closer to Spring. The snow is beautiful especially since I have never really lived in a cold weather climate. It's so cool so walk around the city all bundled up (I look like that kid from A Christmas Story that can't put his arms down because of his snow suit) and watch the snow fall and hear it crunching under my feet.
I have been working on things for the camps this summer and trying to figure out exactly what I am supposed to be doing in this new job :) I continue to pray for wisdom and grace as we all work through our new roles and figure out the important things for our various projects. Thankful for my team and for the wise people around me.
We are all praying for the status of things within our new church community. We have had some "upheaval" as of late and with this comes confusion, hurt feelings, and uncertainty about the future. God's doing some significant things in this city and the enemy isn't interested in seeing those things happen. If you think about it, please pray for our church and the leadership. We all want to make God famous in this city and pray that He would show us the best way to do that.
Pretty low key around here these days. Just been working and trying to get my apartment increasingly livable. I keep reminding myself that each day that passes I am one day closer to Spring. The snow is beautiful especially since I have never really lived in a cold weather climate. It's so cool so walk around the city all bundled up (I look like that kid from A Christmas Story that can't put his arms down because of his snow suit) and watch the snow fall and hear it crunching under my feet.
I have been working on things for the camps this summer and trying to figure out exactly what I am supposed to be doing in this new job :) I continue to pray for wisdom and grace as we all work through our new roles and figure out the important things for our various projects. Thankful for my team and for the wise people around me.
We are all praying for the status of things within our new church community. We have had some "upheaval" as of late and with this comes confusion, hurt feelings, and uncertainty about the future. God's doing some significant things in this city and the enemy isn't interested in seeing those things happen. If you think about it, please pray for our church and the leadership. We all want to make God famous in this city and pray that He would show us the best way to do that.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Me and Santa
For those of you concerned with my "sin nature" here you go. Now I realize Santa and I are from different backgrounds and there is a wide age gap...but who are you to judge! He's totally into me..can't you see it in his eyes? I think we make a lovely couple. And he's pretty much a hottie.
Slovak Girls!
These are the 10 Slovak girls that came to the states this January for Passion. We had such a great time and it was pretty funny being the "native" for once. We forced them to eat huge portions of high fat foods and drove everywhere in large vehicles. It was so American. PS-free refils should be a national mandate
SK friends
I really just wanted to put some recent pictures up. This is from my recent trip to the states. Lee Ann, Melanie, Zuzka and me! We had 10 Slovak girls come to the States to attend the Passion 06 conference. it was stinking incredible and God blew our doors off with his provision and so many cool things that happened.
I worry
there...I've said it. I worry. I layed awake last night and worried. About various things. I worry about money. I worry about being "poor" for the rest of my life. I worry about my checking account. I worry about the fact that in the nearly 7 years since i graduated from college I have had 8 jobs with 5 different companies and lived at 9 different addresses. I worry that I will never be "settled". I worry that if I ever do get "settled" I will be bored. I worry that I will never get married. I worry that I will. I worry that my friends will forget about me. i worry that I will forget about them. I worry that I don't pray enough. I worry that I am missing something critical in my spiritual life. I worry about my sin issues. I worry about my self-absorption. i worry about my job. I worry about my parents. I worry about letting people down. Last night was just an exceptionally vivid night of worry. I couldn't stop. My mind turned over and over and over on a million things. I tried to read. I tried to pray. I tried to sleep. But I just flipped over and over in my bed.
Now...I know I am not SUPPOSED to worry. I kept telling myself that God is bigger than my small worries that he has promised to take care of me and all my needs. And at some level I believe that...or at least i think i do. Why is it so hard to get that kind of information from your head to your heart to your soul? Ask me if I believe that God is bigger than my worries and I will say "absolutely" then I lay awake all night and worry. There are so many truths like that...that I KNOW at an intellectual level but that haven't filtered down into my heart. and maybe it was just a bad night...I don't normally stay awake and worry. But it made me think about how there are so many things I know but don't really KNOW. How do you get there? really?
Now...I know I am not SUPPOSED to worry. I kept telling myself that God is bigger than my small worries that he has promised to take care of me and all my needs. And at some level I believe that...or at least i think i do. Why is it so hard to get that kind of information from your head to your heart to your soul? Ask me if I believe that God is bigger than my worries and I will say "absolutely" then I lay awake all night and worry. There are so many truths like that...that I KNOW at an intellectual level but that haven't filtered down into my heart. and maybe it was just a bad night...I don't normally stay awake and worry. But it made me think about how there are so many things I know but don't really KNOW. How do you get there? really?
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