I am not sure exactly why this happens but every time I have a Slovak language lesson I start to sweat...bad. I noticed it last year the 1st time I met with my tutor. She was a really sweet lady (I say lady she's probably early 30s) and didn't speak English at all. She was super kind and really patient but everytime I met with her my hands would sweat, and I would end up pitting out my shirt (hey boys, who wants my number now!). Well today I started private lessons at a language school in town and as soon as i walked in the door...boom...sweat city. ugh. And the thing of it is that I am not really a "sweater". It's just language lessons that make feel like I am about to melt.
Learning language for me is probably one of the heights in humiliation. For most of my life I have been silently telling myself "Just blend in...don't do anything that makes you stick out...just blend". So situations that made me stick out unexpectedly or in a less than flattering way always caused my blood pressure to skyrocket. Think any kind of toilet paper stuck to your shoe, spinach in your teeth, mismatched outfit sort of situation and I wanted to avoid those at all costs. I hate being "obvious" unless it's on my own terms and with people I am comfortable around.
Being a "foreigner" makes blending a bit harder. In general Europeans and North Americans look different...i know that is a generalization but there is a difference in the way people carry themselves, the volume at which people talk, the amount of eye contact etc. and so it's generally pretty easy to spot someone here that doesn't "fit" and I feel like very often i stick out like a sore thumb. And then when i open my mouth it becomes painfully obvious that I am not exactly a local. I try not to talk on my phone on the bus so people don't hear me speak English and realize I am a foreigner, and I guess it comes back to not wanting to stick out.
My need to blend in though can be a problem. I won't ask for help in stores or when I am looking for something because I am afraid i won't be able to communicate what I need or that people will think I am stupid for not being able to speak Slovak. And this is probably the reason why I am so sweaty during language. I want to communicate and fit in and not seem strange to my teacher but the fact remains that I am a foreigner, I don't speak Slovak very well, and I am a "stranger" in many ways. I decided today when I went in to the lesson that I was going to just start talking. I knew I would say things really incorrectly and mess up vocab and grammar but that i was just going to use my words and keep talking even when i felt dumb and sweaty. So for an hour i sweated...and talked...and had to say "nerozumiem" (I don't understand) more times than i wanted. but I survived it and didn't flip out from feeling like a stranger and I suppose that is half the battle with language. Using your words, knowing you will make mistakes and being willing to learn from them. So I am hoping to be brave enough to stick out, and let's face it...I am a foreigner which isn't necessarilly a bad thing!
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